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To Daddy’s Little Girl’s Daddys Everywhere

Found this at Justin M. Roslevich’s site on FirefighterNation.com. I haven’t seen it for awhile, but I’m going to be needing it again in a few years…


APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

1.   What are your name, nickname or alias, age, social security number, IQ and Boy Scout rank?

2.   Do you own or have access to a van?

3.   A truck with oversize tires?

4. A waterbed?

5.   Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring?        Why ??

6.   Do you have a pierced tongue or pierced anything?               Why ??

*If you have answered YES to #2, #3, #4, #5, or #6- discontinue application and leave immediately.*

7.   In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does LATE mean to you?
8.   In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
9.   In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
10. In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?
11. Church/Temple/House of Worship you attend:
12. How often do you attend?
13. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi/minister?
14. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my:
15. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my:

16. The one thing I hope this application doesn’t ask is:
17. Now answer question 16:
18. When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is:
*Note: If answer to last question begins with “T” or “A”, discontinue and leave premises – keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*

19. What do you want to be IF you grow up?

I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, Native American ant torture, crucifixion, electrocution, Chinese water torture, red hot pokers, the Hillary Clinton kiss torture and mental abuse including listening continuously to music you hate the most.


Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi/minister ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________


Thank you for your interest (and it had better be genuine and non-sexual). Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury). If denied, you will be notified by two men wearing white ties answering to the names GUIDO and LOUIE and never ever apply again. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.


Daddy’s 10 Rules of Dating

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package – because you’re sure not picking anything up.

2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’ body, I will remove them permanently.

3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to insure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers in place.

4. I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world having sex without using a “barrier method” of some sort can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex with my daughter, I am the barrier … and I am the one who will do the killing.

5. It is generally understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only answer I need from you on this subject is “Early.”

6. I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

7. As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, even if more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup and fixing her hair, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful like changing the oil in my car?

8. The following locations are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool; Places where there is darkness; Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness; Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided. Movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.

shotgun

9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, plenty of stripping holes and know enough important people in three counties.. Do not trifle with me.

10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull in front of my house, you should exit the vehicle with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your vehicle. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


PLEASE NOTE:
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to find me attempting to get her date to recite these ten simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too — there are only ten of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point pen or permanent marker might be inadequate — ink washes off — and that my soldering irons were probably better alternatives.


I Am a Firefighter:

1) I once broke a man’s sternum by accident while doing CPR to save his life. If that’s how I help people, what do you think I do when I’m pissed off?
2) I investigate arson fires. I know exactly what clues to look for to prove it was arson. I also know how to make sure nobody can tell how a fire started… and I know where you live. Remember Backdraft?
3) I’ve worked more car accidents than you’ll ever see. The sight of blood doesn’t bother me one little bit unless its my daughters.
4) Its normal for me to carry chainsaws, axes, and various other extremely sharp tools in my car … tick me off and me and you are going for a little ride.
5) When we burn down a house for training, nobody ever looks in the closets.
6) I use the Jaws of Life to tear doors off wrecked cars. They cut though solid metal like a hot knife through butter. So watch your paws or get the jaws.
7) Sirens and air horns can really muffle the sounds of someone screaming.
8) My friends are state troopers, local cops, paramedics, dispatchers or firefighters. WE ARE 911. If you make me mad, who do you think you’re going to call for help?
9) I am trained in WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) and I have access to explosives.
10) I am well trained in emergency medicine. I know exactly which arteries are the easiest to sever and which ones bleed the most. (Remember all the sharp tools?)

Posted in Just For Fun

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Posted by on December 4, 2009 • No comments

360 Burn Size-up of the Fire Web 12/3/2009

Ten Years Ago Today

On December 3, 1999, the Worcester Cold Storage Warehouse Fire took the lives of six firefighters.  Head on over to FirefighterCloseCalls.com for a full report, complete with links to articles, photos, audio, and much more.

Follow that up with a read of an article entitled “A Chief’s Perspective” by retired Worcester District Fire Chief Michael O. McNamee and hope you never have to go through his nightmare. With trapped crews inside and after others had gone in to save them,  Chief McNamee ordered that no more firefighters go in.  He was met with heated threats of physical violence by his firefighters on the scene, many demanding to allow them to go in to rescue their brothers.  But he hung firm- and in doing so stopped that massive fire from killing any more of his men that night.  Thanks, Chief.  Use the information at FirefighterCloseCalls.com to create a training session for everyone on your department, especially for the newer guys who may never have heard the tragic details.

More is Less is Less is More

Did you catch the post by FireGeezer on Tuesday about the Newark (OH) fire chief who did the math?  Turns out that hiring more firefighters resulted in less overtime costs (way less).  Read the story about how fire chief Jack Stickradt was able to show the city manager how it could be done, after which the mayor followed suit.  Now with more firefighters, there’s les OT, less injuries, and more safety.  Hmmm.I’ve always wondered why a municipality would want to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars rather than hire more people…

Next on the horizon for firefighters?   Personal air conditioning…ahhhhhh…

Colorado State University engineering professors are using a $917,000 Fire Prevention and Safety Grant to develop technology that would protect firefighters’ cardiovascular health and stave off heat stress. Researchers will use a device called the SCAMP (Super Critical Air Mobility Pack) device from Niwot Technologies that can cool firefighters and hazmat teams as they work. SCAMP was developed for and used by NASA astronauts 20 years ago and uses cryogenically-cooled air in a thin compact case. Their work looks to help alleviate the number one cause of firefighter line-of-duty deaths (cardiovascular failure- 43% of all deaths) by providing up to four hours of purified air and body cooling. See more here.

Posted in 360 Burn, Command & Leadership, Firefighter Safety & Health, Funding & Staffing, In the Line of Duty, Leadership, Line of Duty, LODD, Major Incidents, Never Forget, News, Staffing, training-fire-rescue-topics

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Posted by on December 3, 2009 • No comments

“News should not be about what people want to know, but what people need to know.” – Walter Cronkite

“If we expect this country to work, it depends on an informed, intelligent electorate. You know, Thomas Jefferson said very early on in our republic that the nation that expects to be ignorant and free expects it never can and never will be.  We’re an ignorant nation right now. We’re not really capable, I do not think, the majority of our people, of making the decisions that have to be made at election time and particularly in the selection of their legislatures and their Congress and the presidency, of course. I don’t think we’re bright enough to do the job that would preserve our democracy, our republic. I think we’re in serious danger.”

~Walter Cronkite on Larry King Live, 2005

If this post is too lengthy, then just go ahead and skip it.  It’s more of a very selfish rant that started out as a comment to ChiefArtReason’s blog post.  But when comments turn into paragraphs, then why not just make it another post?  Please know that I would never attempt to bore you with consonants and adjectives- I don’t get paid by the word.

Monday, Chief Art Reason posted an interesting blog, “Straight to the Point,” in which he asked a question that triggered a raw nerve of mine, exposing a peeve that seems will never go away.

If you have the time, I urge you to check out Art’s post.  They’re always contemplative and timely, and one of the many must-reads on my list every day.

In that post, Art questions why the media is all honed in on the Tiger Woods madness at the expense of covering the four slain Lakewood (WA) police officers and their killer’s manhunt.  He puts forth the theory “…that, for some twisted reason, the news media has taken it upon themselves to declare and anoint themselves as the moral compass and judge of the people whom they proclaim as newsworthy.destined for eternity.”

He is right to ask.  If more of us asked such questions- AND thunk about the answers- we could steer the vehicle of journalism back toward the center line rather than further into the ditch.

But I’m going to take his question a step further.  I don’t think we should stop at pointing the finger toward the decisions the news media is making.  Rather, what is it that drives those decisions?

Follow the money.

The almighty (albeit less mighty than in years past) dollar controls it all, my friends.  News, and for that matter all of media, is owned by someone or a group of someones.  Forgive me for generalizing, but I’ll go out on a limb here and suggest that those someones would much rather see a bottom line in a black color (rather than red).

“Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class — the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn’t want you to know something, it won’t be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up. Enjoy the snooze.”

~George Carlin

If people reject real news for that which is merely interesting, they will tune it out and look for what they want to see.

If they tune it out, they won’t see advertisements for the new GMC Yukon, Ambien CR, or the next episode of the Gossip Girl on the first channel.  The channel airing what they want will get that revenue.

Ad revenue goes toward media that draws the highest ratings, and it’s the people- US- that direct what is shown, printed, or spoken about.  That’s where the money goes.

“Sure enough, as merger has followed merger, journalism has been driven further down the hierarchy of values in the huge conglomerates that dominate what we see, read and hear. And to feed the profit margins journalism has been directed to other priorities than “the news we need to know to keep our freedoms.”

~Bill Moyers, journalist

“The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything. Except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesman-like habits, supplies their demands.”

~Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright

“Honesty and tenacity (and for that matter, the working class) seem to have taken backseats to the sort of “snappy news”, sensationalism, scandal-for-the-sake of scandal crap that sells. This is not a uniquely Tribune or even newspaper industry problem: this is true from the Atlanta mixing rooms of CNN to Sulzberger’s offices in Times Square. Profits: that’s what it’s all about now. But you just can’t realize annual profit returns of more than 30 percent by methodically laying out the truth in a dignified, accessible manner. And it’s damned tough to find that truth every day with a mere skeleton crew of reporters and editors.  All across America news organizations have been devoured by massive corporations, and allegiance to stockholders, the drive for higher share prices, and push for larger dividend returns trumps everything that the grunts in the newsrooms consider their missions.”

~Laurie Garrett, widely regarded former Newsday reporter

Thanks for allowing me to rant.  It won’t happen too often, because it’s hockey season now and (QUICK, LOOK!) the Blackhawks are on a roll!

Besides, I have to get into my Yukon and go fill my ‘srip for Ambien if I’m going to stay up to watch Gossip Girl….

“And that’s the way it is.”

Posted in News, WTF?

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Posted by on December 2, 2009 • 3 comments

To Daddy’s Little Girl’s Daddys Everywhere

Found this at Justin M. Roslevich’s site on FirefighterNation.com. I haven’t seen it for awhile, but I’m going to be needing it again in a few years…


APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

1.   What are your name, nickname or alias, age, social security number, IQ and Boy Scout rank?

2.   Do you own or have access to a van?

3.   A truck with oversize tires?

4. A waterbed?

5.   Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring?        Why ??

6.   Do you have a pierced tongue or pierced anything?               Why ??

*If you have answered YES to #2, #3, #4, #5, or #6- discontinue application and leave immediately.*

7.   In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does LATE mean to you?
8.   In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
9.   In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
10. In fifty words or less, on a separate sheet of paper, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?
11. Church/Temple/House of Worship you attend:
12. How often do you attend?
13. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi/minister?
14. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my:
15. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my:

16. The one thing I hope this application doesn’t ask is:
17. Now answer question 16:
18. When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is:
*Note: If answer to last question begins with “T” or “A”, discontinue and leave premises – keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*

19. What do you want to be IF you grow up?

I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, Native American ant torture, crucifixion, electrocution, Chinese water torture, red hot pokers, the Hillary Clinton kiss torture and mental abuse including listening continuously to music you hate the most.


Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi/minister ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________


Thank you for your interest (and it had better be genuine and non-sexual). Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury). If denied, you will be notified by two men wearing white ties answering to the names GUIDO and LOUIE and never ever apply again. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.


Daddy’s 10 Rules of Dating

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package – because you’re sure not picking anything up.

2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’ body, I will remove them permanently.

3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to insure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers in place.

4. I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world having sex without using a “barrier method” of some sort can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex with my daughter, I am the barrier … and I am the one who will do the killing.

5. It is generally understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only answer I need from you on this subject is “Early.”

6. I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

7. As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, even if more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup and fixing her hair, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful like changing the oil in my car?

8. The following locations are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool; Places where there is darkness; Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness; Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided. Movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.

shotgun

9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, plenty of stripping holes and know enough important people in three counties.. Do not trifle with me.

10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull in front of my house, you should exit the vehicle with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your vehicle. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


PLEASE NOTE:
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to find me attempting to get her date to recite these ten simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too — there are only ten of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point pen or permanent marker might be inadequate — ink washes off — and that my soldering irons were probably better alternatives.


I Am a Firefighter:

1) I once broke a man’s sternum by accident while doing CPR to save his life. If that’s how I help people, what do you think I do when I’m pissed off?
2) I investigate arson fires. I know exactly what clues to look for to prove it was arson. I also know how to make sure nobody can tell how a fire started… and I know where you live. Remember Backdraft?
3) I’ve worked more car accidents than you’ll ever see. The sight of blood doesn’t bother me one little bit unless its my daughters.
4) Its normal for me to carry chainsaws, axes, and various other extremely sharp tools in my car … tick me off and me and you are going for a little ride.
5) When we burn down a house for training, nobody ever looks in the closets.
6) I use the Jaws of Life to tear doors off wrecked cars. They cut though solid metal like a hot knife through butter. So watch your paws or get the jaws.
7) Sirens and air horns can really muffle the sounds of someone screaming.
8) My friends are state troopers, local cops, paramedics, dispatchers or firefighters. WE ARE 911. If you make me mad, who do you think you’re going to call for help?
9) I am trained in WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) and I have access to explosives.
10) I am well trained in emergency medicine. I know exactly which arteries are the easiest to sever and which ones bleed the most. (Remember all the sharp tools?)

Posted in Just For Fun, Tips and Tricks

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Posted by on December 1, 2009 • No comments

360 Burn Size-up of the Fire Web 12/1/2009

Check Out Real Sports on HBO Tonight for This Amazing Story

A New York City firefighter completes an Ironman Triathlon. Special enough, but Matthew Long did it after being hit, no, rolled over by a city bus. With less than a 1% chance of survival and 40 surgeries later, Long accomplished this amazing feat.

Not many people can complete an Ironman, and it’s hard to imagine anyone completing an Ironman after going through what Long went through. But Long is an inspiration, and the Real Sports segment on HBO is a good look at a man who refused to quit.

Pennsylvania Fire Department Suffers an Axing of Over Half the Fire Department- See Why:

According to information from certified public accountants, poor accounting practices and questionable transfers under prior administrations are blamed for the fiscal nightmare that resulted in the axing of 7 of the 13 firefighters in Uniontown, PA. Fire Chief Chuck Coldren pleaded with the council to avert the layoffs, repeating earlier assertions that the safety of both firefighters and residents will be endangered with the scaled-back staff.

“With the six guys who are left, it’s going to be a real nightmare for me to figure out how we’re going to operate. It’s a scary situation,” Coldren said.

My question is: what should happen to those responsible for the financial mess if someone gets hurt or killed now? City Clerk Kim Marshall said some of the deficiencies uncovered in the audit have been referred to state police and the state attorney general’s office for investigation.

Here’s more on the story from The Pittsburgh Tribune Review, and a video story from WPXI.com.

Puppy Resuscitated by Firefighters is Their New Mascot

A Dalmatian she’s not, but the 11-week-old Labrador mix puppy aptly named “Smokey” is the new mascot of the Jacksonville (IL) Fire Department. At a house fire nearly a month ago, firefighters found the pup lying near the back door and successfully resuscitated her with special oxygen kits for animals donated to their department.

Smokey’s learning to become a part of the crew as firefighters are teaching her to show children how to stop, drop, and roll. More on how this all came together here with a story by Maria Nagle of the Jacksonville Journal-Courier. More positive PR for firefighters….

Firefighter Curt Rueter plays with Smokey as driver engineer Jim Williams cooks after returning to the Jacksonville Fire Department substation after a day of training.

photo by Robert Leistra

Posted in 360 Burn, Funding & Staffing, IAFF, News, Pub Ed, Staffing, WTF?

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Posted by on December 1, 2009 • No comments