So the boys were shopping and had finished grabbing the food items for the day. With a heavy day of training ahead, we were looking for something quick and easy. We found ourselves a pot roast to throw into the crock part with a big jar giardiniera peppers (set it and forget it and it makes the best Italian beef sandwiches).
Thoughts turned to next shift, Halloween. Kids would be by the station, all dolled up and cute, waiting to see what treats awaited them from their heroes.
“The only kind we should get is candy corn, it’s tradition. Kids won’t get a chance to eat ‘em again,” offered the pre-diabetic Eric.
“Those are crap. They are neither candy nor corn, my friend,” scoffed Art. “You want to kill the kids?”
“Then let’s just get these and get outta here,” Al said as he snatched up a government-sized package of raisins.
“Are you guys nuts?” I said, already knowing the answer to my question. “Don’t you remember how we used to sort out our candy after a hard night of trick-or-treating? There’s a ‘good pile’ and a ‘crap pile’. I don’t want the kids to think of us as losers. Kids love Reese’s, Milky Way’s, Snickers- you know, the good stuff.”
So we grabbed a mixed bag of M&M’s, Butterfingers, and Twix and headed out.
After dinner that evening, talk again turned to the ‘crap pile’. Memories of Halloweens past brought to mind all the horrid treats that found their way into our bags…
Candy corn- ahh, the ‘Fruitcake of Halloween.’ First, we used to nibble off the white tip, then decap the yellow part before finishing off the orange section. Then we used to just scarf down handfuls of them. Then we headed straight into the bathroom….
Toothbrushes- not even candy. Halloween is not the time for do-gooders to get all doctory on us.
Tootsie rolls- always found their way to the bottom of the bag. Cavity-filling remover. Too tiny, usually stale, looked like turds.
Raisins- First, we tossed the wrinkles nuggets, then used the box as an improvised kazoo!
Miscellaneous wrapped hard candies- we could get these anytime we wanted at grandma’s house. In fact, they’re probably still there.
Apples- remember how we used to be able to head over to the local hospital to have them x-ray the apple to make sure they were absent of razor blades? The only thing we used to do with apples after trick or treating was to hurl them. I won’t tell you what any of the targets were, you should be able to figure that out.
Pennies- my kids won’t even stop to pick a penny up off the street!
Business card from the neighborhood mortgage broker. Pitiful.
Jesus pamphlets- see above.
Circus peanuts- Should never be eaten, only for display next to the circus’ three-headed goat. Not even peanutty! Wallboard soaked in artificial banana flavoring. Never ate ‘em, but loved watching them in the microwave!
Cheese and peanut-butter crackers- The commercials never went “Hey you got cheese in my peanut butter!” There is a reason for that. Also, by the time we got home after dragging our bags all over the neighborhood, they turned into cheese and peanut-butter dust.
Chuckles- many of you might not remember those sugar-coated jelly wedges that looked like slices of lemon, lime, or orange. After tasting one, you would never forget it.
Necco Wafers- Just like the Smarties of 1847, when the nation’s scientists were still figuring out fun and flavor. They look like slivers of sidewalk chalk, but don’t taste quite as good. Interesting side note- they used to substitute as quarters in our toll booths.
There are so many more. I purposely left some out so you could add your ‘favorites’ to the list.
Stay stoked!
-J
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